by Janine Boldrin
Transitions are a fact of life for most military kids. They must go from a familiar situation to something new and unfamiliar, like when their family relocates to a new town.
But moving isn’t the only transition military kids have to make. During deployments, they transition from having a parent at home to their parent being away. A change from being an Active Duty family to being a Reserve family is a big transition for some kids. And then there is transitioning out of the military which means a lot of big changes.
Some kids weather these transitions better than others, but many run into a few bumps along the way. Here are some tips parents can try to make transitions easier for any child:
Take care of yourself
How you handle new situations sets the tone for how your kids will handle them; however, staying calm, cool, and collected can be hard under the stress of a deployment, a move, or the loss of a job.
Since many studies show a parent’s example is a huge influence on how kids will handle the stress that comes during times of change, be sure to take care of yourself so you have the ability to react to change in the best way possible. Build in time for sleep. Work on eating well. Get help when you feel overwhelmed.
All of these things will trickle down to how you feel, how you interact with your child, and your ability to deal with the changes you face as a military family. So remember: Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of the kids.
Identify the real issues
Don’t assume you know all of the issues your child is going to have with a move or upcoming change. As they get older, their concerns may change. While previous experience is very helpful for planning for what your child may stress about, asking them their worries about a move, deployment, or other big change is important.
Set-up a routine of discussing any big upcoming transitions and ask if they have any concerns. While it may be tempting to want an immediate answer, revisit the question days or weeks later so a child has had a chance to think. Maybe they’ll want to write you a letter or record a song or video about their concerns. A younger child may want to draw a picture. Try to find a way for them to express what they are thinking.
Discuss solutions together
Depending on the age of your child, you may or may not want to include them in figuring out a plan for how to deal with transitions. Parents should try to discuss solutions together but a trusted family member or friend may be another option when brainstorming how to deal with an upcoming transition that may challenge your child.
Don’t forget about the resources that are available at your new home or within your existing community. Reach out to the school where you’ll be moving to ask what types groups exist for incoming military kids. Talk with your child’s teacher about easing the transition.
Often, other military parents are struggling with the same issues you may face, so you can find some of your best tips from them! But if you go online to find support in social media or talk with a friend, be sure to not bring up subjects that may embarrass your child if it got back to them.
Situation-specific tips
Due to the requirements of a service member’s job, many military children experience transitions beyond those that most kids face. Here are some tips for the specific places your child may struggle:
Home Sweet Home: Deployments and odd work schedules can mean home is a typical place for a military kid to struggle when it comes to transitions. A service members coming and going is particularly problematic for some kids. Keeping other routines in place can help mitigate the unpredictability of a parent’s work schedule. Try to maintain a family dinner, even when a parent deploys. Keep bedtimes at the routine time. Don’t switch out rules when a parent is home versus when they are away. The more consistency you can keep, the better off your child will probably be when other changes have to happen.
Starting School: A new school may be hard for any child but going to a school that you’ve never even seen, several days after a big move while a parent is still deployed is a huge transition. Work on making your child’s new school as familiar as possible in the time leading up to the first day. If you can, visit the school, take a tour, and meet teachers. If you can’t visit, look at the school online, tell your child about the school including where things are located, what activities they have, and ask them what questions you can get answers to before you arrive. A familiar situation is often less stressful situation.
Joining a Team or Group: For a kid who loves sports or music or another activity that works as a group, the transition to a new group may cause a lot of stress. What if I can’t play at the same level? What if the other kids all know each other? What if they aren’t like my last group?
All of these questions may eat away at their confidence, which may compound any worries. Finding the right team or group for your child may mean picking one with more military kids over the most competitive one; however, the opposite may also hold true for your child’s situation. You may also need to pick a “transitional” team or group that allows your child a chance to get her feet on the ground before trying out for something that erodes her confidence. The important part of this transition is finding a good fit for your child at that moment in time.
Be flexible
Even the best plans can fall apart so be ready to adapt your plan or even scrap it. If, after giving it adequate time, your child doesn’t seem to be making a good transition, you’ll need to adjust your approach. Way too often, military parents try to “stick with the plan” resulting in a frustrated child and also a frustrated parent. Instead, make sure you give your child a chance to ask questions and raise concerns.
While you may be able to take a new approach to some situations, other things may not be so easily changed. Keep communicating with your child so they know their feelings are important. Even if a situation cannot be adjusted, you can help your child have an outlook and attitude that can help them through a challenging transition.
